=cont. Apology to Freind=

i had a freind in the past that by the time we were 14 i tried to start feeling more virile sexualy and tried to make him feel like he had less right to experience for phallic fear.. meanwhile i only did this since i was so envious myself and felt fear in need of supplication in a sick way.. unfortunately this 'so called' freind, since i wasnt actualy being one in this and other competetive ways, had to carry my need for gossip of an ill nature. if we are living in a system where it is easier to hide fear and try to only play the strong cards, this will in effect have some of us knowing with all our hearts that since we live is self loathing for being ir-representably weak somehow, others must be as well. its just how,, and, if possible, in the same way as me? to live in influenced self loathing due to any experience rights has us wanting gossip like sharks.. the waters become infested. i had a dream where we were at a bus-stop and i was behind him as if pushing him off the curb into the gutter, denying him confidence like an insecure noob for virility reasons. when i looked to my left, along the lane of trafic coming toward us was an entire crowd of African-American peoples walking and Picketing angrily and Visualy Disturbed while Speaking.. an active angry mob. then i turned 180 degrees and behind me there was a house and inside i could see that there were as if hanging gardgens in a thick fog or mist,, and maybe several clergy type peoples, priests? i could see as if the front of the building had been bi-sected and i could see inside.. for being below the belt the amount of daily neurosis that is felt, yet we feel uncomfortable to speak about it once having a change of mind and heart. it becomes detestable. its how to teach this not just in churches, yet in curriculum. power concerns involve us all, and especialy when young and experimenting.. all the more. sorry for my tesion and pestilence service provisions and my continuing struggle with this nature.